Chapter 1!
"Oy! Professor!" Admiral Plaistow cried.
"Professor was my father's name, you can call me Mr. Sillymen." pronounced Mr. Sillymen.
"That's a weird last name, innit. What is it... American?"
"Naigh, my father was just a very drunk 18 year old when he named me. Twas his birthday, and he favored alcohol over a screamin' bairn."
"Who were your parents, sire?"
"Bold, brash adventurous people, they were always gettin' into caves and mucking about, obsessed with finding gold they were. I didn't stop them for better or for worse."
"Did your parents abandon you or something?"
"They found themselves in the ancient sand dungeon of the S'karrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgophigous, in which they realized the only way to make it through was to be as silent as a twig in a forest where no one can hear it."
"Oh I've been to that one!" Plaistow exclaimed. "I always found it impressive how they fit the whole tomb into a museum by Slough."
"Yes, they left me behind in the air-conditioned part of the hallway, with only a note and a fedora. They never came back from that tomb."
"Tis become their tomb now."
"Aigh, you're a sly man for your height Plaistow. Tell me, how did I never see you on my previous adventure if you work at the same University I do?"
"Aigh, I'm a new recruit from Swittensdale. I manned the ships o'er there for longer then your pappy's been alive! I've only heard stories of your plights finding the largest cheese wheel; the world's first speaking dog; the world's first dishy woman doll, truly fantastic stuff!"
"Well chaps, mate. It has been a while since anyone complimented me of my pursuits. Perhaps it's about bloody time for a new adventure."
"Mate, why would you follow the steps of your parents if they were the ones who left you gone for a Burton? Didn't they ruin your life?"
"Oh chappy 'ol friend, I loved being raised in the museum! There was so much to learn and every night I could sleep with panthers! It was fantastic!"
"Perhaps."
"What's wrong Admiral? Your face is paler then my taxidermied Aztec's nose!"
"Well, you know Mr. Red?"
"Like the back of my own fedora! That chap tried to blow up all my treasure and then blamed the failure of the missiles on greedy capitalist companies putting in shoddy workmanship! He loves communism, but how can you love communism when capitalism gave me everything in this here room?"
Professor Sillymen's office was a sight to behold, various treasures from his many adventures racked the walls, even a whole golden canoe taking up the whole roof! He laid every one of his grants on his wall as they allowed him to get all this cool stuff and allow it to sit in his office where no one else will ever be able to see it!
"I'm not sure mate! But he sent us a message stating he was going to steal the Golden Cracker of Mt. Ambercrockle in order to fund his communist empire!"
"USING CAPITALISM TO SUPPORT COMMUNISM? I CAN'T STAND FOR THAT! We must find him and put rounds in his guffaw!"
"Not so fast Mr. Men, we must get the proper funding to stop him!"
"Yes, yes and we need to get a team together. With dishy women."
"WHITE dishy women!"
"Oh Admiral, there are no other type of dishy women in 72 kilometers!"
"GUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh how silly you are Mr. Men, now off to the Dean to get the proper funding through the proper channels!"
"Indubitably."
Chapter 2!!
2 MONTHS LATER.
"Well hoy hoy hoy Professor! Through extremely reasonable means we got the funding to support this expedition to stop Mr. Red!"
"Why Plaistow, all we got for our expedition is this very here plane! Where's the archaeology tools? WHERE ARE THE DISHY WOMEN?"
"Now, now Professor, this is all that was in the funding! With this plane we can go anywhere in the world!"
"But the funding was to go to the mountain specifically!"
"Tis true. I suppose we must assemble a team of skilled adventurers and white dishy women ourselves."
"Indubitably!"
"Let's go to the city and gather the troops!"
"To the city!"
-----------
The quaint college town of Swissbrie was filled with several shops selling items college kids would need at severely upcharged prices since we're all trying to pay off our student loan debts, aren't we? The most famous of which was Kensington's Corner Shoppe, located on the intersection between Warrenstreet Street and Arsenal Blvd, run by Kensington herself. Kensington had been on Sillymen's previous adventure but had no interest in the fame that came from it and as such settled down and started selling textbooks and archeaology supplies.
"Oy! Kensington, would you be looking to get out of your paperback and join me on an unfathomable quest full of the whitest women you can imagine?" Asked the Professor.
"Why would I have any interest in dishy women? Plus, I'm not joining another one of your quests after seeing what you did to that blow-up doll at the end of your last adventure." Stated Kensington.
"I donated that to the museum, Kensington! No one will ever touch it again."
"Especially after what touched it last time."
"Kensington, there are children around! Plims plums, if you go on the adventure with me, I'll make sure to give you your share of whatever treasure we find."
"So you're in this for treasure now?
"No, I must defeat the communist Mr. Red!"
"RED? THAT BLOODY COLOR MURDERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY, OY IT DID! I ALWAYS AVENGED TO GET BACK ON IT! I'M JOINING WITH."
"Excellent, meet me at the airplane a half before 20:30."
"So at 20?"
"Indubitably."
-------
"Now, now, where else would I find nice young, yet smart women. Hmm. Ah yes! The Pub!" Exclaimed Professor British Mc Sillymen.
"You wench you! Would you like to go on a grand and awe-inspiring quest to a beautiful mountain, finding treasures within, and learning that the true treasures come without? Would any of that suit anyone?"
Crickets.
"You will also have the chance to get close to hot single presumably Redlovian men."
"OH HONEY WE'RE SOLD!"
"Well then right this way, to the airplane!
--------
"Huckleberry, Plaistow! You only came back with 2 young dashing men!"
"You've seem to come back with a legion of dishy women! How do you know there's enough space for all of them!"
"Oh, I'll make sure there's space for all of them."
"Crikey, Professor, after all these years your head is still in the clouds, when will you learn to just go and settle down with Kensington. The entirety of your previous adventure was ramping up to it!"
"I think finding that doll put a strain in our relationship as big as a missile mark from an HMS Rodney!"
"Better luck this time sir, less you are planning to entertain all these women's fantasies at once. We were supposed to find a few smart dishy women, not a league of middle-caste ones!"
"Just put trust in me Plaistow! I'm sure this will all work out."
"Aigh."
"Alright Ladies and Gentlemen! Everyone load onto our university funded plane! Men and smart women first."
"I'm surprised that there's more than one women on our quest this time." stated Kensington.
"You should be glad, you won't have to do all the grunt work this time."
"You're a freak of nature, aigh?"
"Freak of Nature was my father's name, Kensington. I'll get this Red man however I can."
"Red. RED. REDDDDDD!" yelled Kensington.
Kensington punches a hole into the red door to the passengers cabinet in which all the dishy women are seated.
"10 women? I underestimated you Professor. I underestimated you all day and all night long."
"This has been a nice conversation Kensington, but I must get to flying. See you at the mountain."
"That's what they all say."
--------
"Well, Plaistow" Sillymen stated, "Kensington sure does seem disappointed in me hiring so many women in our expedition. I thought the more women the better!"
"There is still time to prove yourself, Professor! The women can work as great ways to get the doubloons!"
"Tis true, we have found in the past that the tribes are incredibly willing to give us whatever we want as long as we give them more British people to torment."
"Plus Professor, I haven't been completely honest with you, if we go on this trip for more then one day, we'll need to start paying the university a 95 dollar fee per day."
"Sounds a bit much, even for the University, we will see how treacherous it is once we arrive."
"Indubitably, Sir."
"Indubitably."
Chapter 3!!!
"Sir!"
"Yes, Communaut?" said Mr. Red.
"A team of racist British twerps and their slaves have touched down on this very mountain!"
"No need to fear, Communaut, they will never find us, since we are INSIDE Mt. Ambercrockle."
"I know that sir, I remember us spending 2 months drilling out this whole secret lair."
"Yes, but you were well fed. Also, they luckily only got the grant AFTER we prepared all the traps, wasn't your work worth it, Communaut?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Yes.... now put this very important Golden Cracker into some random cave somewhere and guard it behind some skeletons or something, that will distract them."
"But sir... this is real gold, don't you want it?"
"Communaut, it's a GOLDEN CRACKER, let's not kid ourselves, all it is is a small square of gold that we put dust on to look old, now be a 'chap' and hide it for me."
"Yes sir."
-------
"Ah here we are, chappy ol' matey ol' chaps! Doesn't Mount. Ambercrockle look big and green?" asked Mr. Sillymen.
"Oin hoin hoin hoin hoin, Professor! Aren't you true. But, how will we get up there? Where do we even know to go? The Mountain looks the same as it always does!"
"Oh Plaistow, the team isn't on top of the mountain, they're in the mountain!"
"They are?"
(Mr. Red watches 200 feet in,) "We are?"
"Why obviously they are somewhere guarding the golden cracker! Now I am extremely looking forward to getting this done today so let's split up! All the women and men go into that village over there and get info from the local residents (quieter, into Plaistow's ear,) and get some of those girls turned into bucks for us. I will go explore that giant cave over there that says in neon, 'COME OVER HERE, CAVE OF THE GOLDEN CRACKER,' seems trustworthy enough!"
"I don't think you should go in there alone." Stated Kensington.
"Does not matter! The Golden Cracker shall be yet another one of the treasures sitting on MY or a MUSUEM's desk! Now get over to that tribe!"
"Aigh."
------
"What a cave! The Aztecs did quite a number of decorating to this one, the skeletons are a nice touch! Oh, some iconic traps! Well this is easy for me. Doo do do doo do.... Ah! The Golden Cracker! Well that was easy. Yoink!"
Suddenly, something falls from the roof of the cave.
"Ah! A sphere of bones! Coming towards me? How could they!"
British Mc Sillymen successfully wades through the tomb, past many ankle twisters and rocky terrain. He escapes out of the tomb, Golden Cracker in tow.
"Those communists made it almost too easy to win! Ahahahahahum."
-------
"E'erybody, e'erybody! I found the Golden Cracker and we can now all go home!"
"Really?" said Kensington. "We had just established a deal between these women and the people of the Ar'houitat tribe!"
"Well too bad since I have found the treasure and we can just go home; that was the whole adventure."
"Seems a bit anticlimactic, sire. Almost as if this is just what the communists want us to do!" exclaimed Admiral Plaistow.
"Yes! I agree, we should stay and see if the communists have done even more damage here!" agreed Kensington.
"No, you monkeys, we found the treasure before them, we go home! That's the way these stories work! Now I am a bit disappointed none of these women here ever got to take their clothes off but I am fine with letting bygones be bygones."
"This is too easy though! Everyone in favor of staying and exploring the mountain more to find Mr. Red raise your hand." asked Kensington.
Plaistow, Kensington and 7 out of the 12 side character plot devices raised their hand.
"Well that's all! Whoever doesn't want to go can stay here but we're taking off" said Kensington.
"Come on Professor! We need a person like you for this expedition to be successful! Plus, there might be even more treasure!" begged Plaistow.
"Oh, bah humbug, fine. I'll join you on your non-necessary, money-bloating quest, because I'm just that great a guy." said Sillymen.
"Huzzah! Let's fly the plane up somewhere at once! Huzzah everyone! Come on everyone! Huzzah!" exclaimed Plaistow.
"Oh, alcrikeyright." moped Sillymen.
Chapter 4!!!!
"Look everyone! We're here! The trees look the exact same as the previous place we were in! Huzzah! We definitely know where we are going! We know exactly what we're doing! Huzzah for the ages!" exclaimed Plaistow.
"Plaistow, you're an Admiral; stop acting drunk." ordered Professor Sillymen.
"Oh, Professor! You can't control me! I am feeling utterly lively right now! Look at me, finally trekking through the rainforest as I've always wanted, with my bestest of friends! Somehow stopping an evil communist ruler, isn't this the utmost grandest of days?!" happily said Plaistow.
"We're going overtime, overbudget and over my patience. I can not stand ONE BIT more of aimlessly walking through the woods, less with a looming fine over our heads. This cracker may be made of SOLID gold, but I don't think it will pay for a whole jet to fly us here! This is why we should've waited longer to get the grant, if we waited longer the grant would've had more proper money allocated to it! Tis just the way our country works! Tis just the 'aught way to do things!" complained Sillymen.
"I agree mister, but if we waited even just a bit longer, Mr. Red would've gotten away with whatever dastardly plans he was cooking up! In fact I'm surprised that the Golden Cracker managed to stay hidden for so long!" wondered Plaistow.
"Well it is a big mountain, lots of potential caves for it to be in. There have even been caves in which the entrance has been plowed over by rocks or construction crews! It is indeed surprising how I was able and willing to find the Golden Cracker so very fast then. But I chalk that up to me just being so smart and sophisticated. After all, I found the first ever yo-yo!" proclaimed Sillymen.
"Erm, I don't mean to be rude sir, but you found that in a Dumpster off Wembley Park!" said Gunnersbury, one of the two men that Plaistow brought along this adventure and whom you most definitely remember.
"Pishity poshity, bippity boppity, fippity fozzitory text inside a wall, Gunnersbury! What matters is that I am smart and me continuing to walk through these long and ardous woods is proving, every second, that I am dumb, which I am not!" exclaimed Sillymen.
They continued walking through the non-descript woods outside of Mt. Ambercrockle for a very long period of time.
-------
"Mwahahahaha! Those aimless fools are falling right into their own trap! They're wandering around the woods looking for nothing while I am sitting here, planning their epic demise! Communaut!" ordered Mr. Red.
"Yes, sir?" asked Communaut
"Why are you not happier Communaut! These idiots will die in the woods looking for us and they will never find us! I bet sooner or later they'll try to jump into an active volcano just because I might be in there! An ACTIVE volcano, Communaut, how are people so stupid?"
"Sir, Sillymen and his crew are 50 metres away from the secret forest entrance to this very facility!"
"WHAT? Well... they will be too stupid to make it all the way up to me, or even to make it into the base! I mean what do they think they are, competent? Our group will win because we have the impeccable power of being inside an active volcano! But below all the lava."
"That's true, but what if there's the tiniest chance they don't suck?"
"Well we are inside an active volcano, we just mine upwards! And once the lava reaches them, bang! They are dead. What a truly epic and foolproof plan to kill that group of twerps."
"I suppose you're right, sir. I'll be seeing you."
Chapter 5!!!!!
The group of British idiots decided to camp out at a mysterious clearing overnight, 50 metres from where we last saw them.
"My, Plaistow, it's crikey strange how it almost feels like we are sleeping on metal, and how there is a giant microphone over there that has the word 'CODEWORD' on it. What a real oddity indeed." stated Sillymen.
"What a true oddity indeed. Well in other news professor, I have a condition in which I spout out random words while I sleep so, get used to that." explained Plaistow.
"Well, goodest of nights my dearest of chums, hope we can actually find out what the heck we're doing tomorrow." said Sillymen.
Then they shut out the lights and closed their eyes.
--------
"Cracker!
Badmouth!
Razorbeard!
Yellow Alps!
Sponge Cake!
Racism!
Me!
My wife!
The U.S. Government!
Is very bad!
Very bad indeed!
And!
Mr. Red!
Is!
A great guy!" spouted out Plaistow, as he said he would.
Suddenly, the ground started shaking and descending, waking everyone up.
"What in the stringed medal for having the most ancient treasures award is happening here?"
"Appleja-why, it appears the ground is sinking in! Sir, we're on a sinkhole! Sir, we're all going to die!" exclaimed Plaistow.
"No, this seems more mechanical, like we're going down into some larger mechanism. I bet that's what that large microphone was for." stated Kensington.
"Well my my my this sure is peculiar, but maybe good! Maybe this is how we find Mr. Red and his legion of communist bad guys!" said Plaistow.
"How will I ever get back up again? How will I ever find my jet I spent so long getting the grant for? How will I ever do anything ever again?" complained Sillymen.
"Zounds, Sillymen, could you do anything that's not complaining? We're almost dying and all your doing is whining! Be a more likable character, the whole book is named after you for goodness sakes!" yelled Kensington.
"Do not use the lord's name in vain you sissy fissy cat! Why I've been alive longer then you have, and I have more rights then you, and I have more treasures then you. Say, nonspeaking extras! Raise your hand if you're pro throwing Kensington into whatever danger we next see!" proclaimed Sillymen.
No one raised their hand besides Plaistow, and that's because he felt bad for Sillymen.
"Wha- well, I suppose for the betterment of the adventure- I might- try to get along with you all." slowly pronounced Sillymen.
"Finally." said Kensington.
Chapter 6!!!!!!
26 hours later, the platform is still descending.
"How long will this take! Our infinite bread stick bowl the Professor took can only feed so many of us! Half the ladies straight up started climbing out of the hole just because they were so boring! Er-I meant bored!" whined Kensington.
"They did?" said Sillymen. "Also NOW who's the one complaining. I'm sure there's not much longer this platform can descend before we all burn in hell."
"Oh! Defeating Satan! That would be a fun taxidermy to add to your wall, wouldn't it Sillymen? To have the face of the world's greatest demon staring you down? Wouldn't that be so incredibly kinky and groovy? I sure would like to see the face of Satan." said Plaistow.
The platform halted to a stop.
"Erm, Plaistow, look behind you." stated Sillymen.
A 25-foot tall red and monstrous figure loomed above them. To anybody down there, why not, It's Satan! Who really knows?
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" exclaimed everyone on the platform.
"Now this is the kind of high stakes I was looking for!" proclaimed Sillymen.
He grabbed a lasso out of his mysterious backpack and tried to strangle the big beast.
"It's too much! It's skin is hard and metal! As if it were hard and metal!" said Sillymen. "We must stab the beast with my holy stakes, and spray it with holy water, and cover it with the holy rug, that will kill the beast!"
Plaistow and Kensington rifled through Sillymen's backpack and found all of those things and threw them onto the foot of the beast.
The thing stared at them for a second, looking completely unimpressed at their foolishness.
"Yes! Yes you beast! Stay down! Go to the fiery pits from whence you ca- er- just stay dead!" yelled Sillymen.
The monster reached down and grabbed Sillymen and Plaistow within its fist. Plaistow finally got his wish of staring down Satan in the eyes.
"Wait! Look at the back!" exclaimed Kensington. "It's an off switch! It's a robot or something! Quick, side characters! Climb up and flick off the switch."
The side characters all teamed up while grumbling to themselves that this would probably be the only importance they have in the story. Meanwhile, Silllymen and Plaistow are about to be digested by a robot Satan monster guarding some kind of giant cave. What an interesting dillema!
"Well dearest chum dearest, I think this is the end of the road, take a good look into the evil man's eyes before we get killed by him." stated Plaistow.
"Those eyes sure are evil and bright. Oh what a way to go, oh woe is me! Maybe I should have not complained so much if I knew I would've ended up here either way. Oh, goodbye cruel world!" waxed Sillymen.
Suddenly the lights in Satan's eyes went out as he let go of the two main characters and toppled over onto the dishy women that helped turn him off.
"We're free! Free at last!" exclaimed Sillymen.
"Um, these ladies are dead?" stated Kensington.
"Yes, yes Kensington but the memories of those ladies will last me a lifetime. Anyways, seems we're in a big and mysterious cave that was guarded by Satan? I think this might be my biggest adventure yet! I suppose I must thank you all for forcing me into doing this. Oh, all the treasure I will get! Oh how wonderous it will be!" said Sillymen. "Come on everybody! Forward march! Forward march!"
"But... they're dead! We're really just- guys! Wait up for me! Wait up!" yelled Kensington.
Thus our crew of 5 characters started marching into the cave, not knowing what could possibly come next, but excited by the prospect of treasure, money and babes.
Chapter 7!!!!!!!
"Mr. Red, sir, they've made it into the base!" announced Communaut.
"They made it past my robotic Satan? I thought they were too halfwitted and British to do any of the sort!" proclaimed Mr. Red.
"Sir, it was the girl! She noticed the giant off switch on the back of the creature!"
"I thought I told you guys to cover that up. Well, it seems the two inept adventurers don't respect the girl's thoughts, so I'm sure her smartness will become greatly underutilized."
"You have an amazing way with words, sir."
"Thank you, Communaut. Well, guess I have to announce to our comrades over in Section 1B to flee the premises to keep the cavey illusion alive. It sure is nice how all the cold air blows to all our rooms despite us being below an active volcano, isn't it Communaut?"
"It sure is nice living in a cave, sir."
"But that's what scares me, the Silly Man loves caves with treasures at the end and I'm his biggest treasure yet, if we're not good enough, I could end up a head on his wall."
"Sir, his grunt ladies were crushed by the robotic Satan, now all they are is one brawn and 4 brains! They're useless sir!"
"We'll see Communaut. We'll see."
-----
"Why chaps, this cave is far more boring then any cave I've ever been in. There hasn't been even one skeleton! What is the production value for this thing? It's just rock and the occasional dripping lava!" whined Sillymen, as it seems he's doing a lot in this book.
"Ah, good thing you mentioned it Professor! We need to be careful here as there could be lava around any corner! Who knows, we may be walking right almost on top of lava right now!" explained Plaistow.
"I thought there was no way we could ever actually see lava, like, it turned into magma once it reached the surface, what in the tuppingtons is the deal with that, chappy ol' chums?" asked Sillymen.
"Yes, sirs, I believe we can only see MAGMA this far underground, and not possibly lava." said Gunnersbury.
"My, my, pie, pie Gunnersbury, what an intellectual you are! Perhaps the story will give you more lines since it is just the 5 of us left." stated Sillymen.
"Why don't forget me!" exclaimed Wembley. "I'm the other attractive smart male on this team of adventurers! And I will justify the story waiting till Chapter 7 to reveal my name by speaking 5 times more!"
"Bold accusation Mr. Wembley! Let's see you actually try to follow through on it." unhumbly said Plaistow.
"Why I sure am talking now! As we walk through this spooky cave, you know, it sure is nice how the lava is lighting up the cave." explained Wembley.
"Mind yourself Trembley! At least I only speak when the story needs me to, I don't go pointing around every unusual thing I see." stated Sillymen.
Suddenly one of the workers on the underground secret headquarters, I believe this one is named Dave, walked by eating his lunch.
"What- GASP! IT'S A COMMUNIST! LOOK AT HIM! ISN'T THAT UNUSUAL? SEIZE HIM!" exclaimed Sillymen.
Suddenly, Dave started running back to whence he came, but Sillymen and his crew followed.
"Wait, sire! Is this some scheme of Mr. Red?" asked Plaistow.
"Perhaps, or it's just a communist getaway." stated Sillymen.
The crew ran into a large construction plant being operated by the communists. It's purpose was not clear at first but all the machinery whirring at once was indeed impressive.
"I don't get it, how could this all benefit them in finding the golden cracker? Something I already have." said Sillymen.
"Perhaps this is better then we thought! A communist factory! That's probably a thing! Right?" asked Plaistow.
"Oh dearest of me! We're being seized! It should be the other way around! Someone grab the lasso off my backpack! Someone! Anybody! HELP!" exclaimed Sillymen.
The communist guards dragged the crew through the whole cave base, all the way to the top where Mr. Red waited.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the infamous Professor British Mc Sillymen, and his team of lackeys too. We finally meet face to face. I must ask Professor, why do you hate me so much?" asked Mr. Red.
"Because you'll spread communism across the world! You'll make your ideals everyone's ideals! And I don't want that because capitalism made me rich and famous! Without it, I'd probably have nothing! Nothing at all!" yelled Sillymen.
"Oh please Silly, I never would hurt your little country with my ideals, only most of Europe. We're helping the world right here." confusingly said Mr. Red.
"How?" asked one of them.
"Do you think we are really invested in a 5x5 piece of gold? No, we're interested in benefiting the world. Geothermal energy. Harnessing the power of this volcano to give us, ALL of us, THE WHOLE WORLD, infinite energy. The golden cracker was just a ploy to get you here and kill you." explained Mr. Red.
"Kill us? But of course you wanted to kill us! How dare you good sir, I always knew it would come to this! Let's resort to fisticuffs-AAH!" exclaimed Sillymen.
The weapon that one of the grunts hit him with stung as if he was lightly dipped into the lava itself.
"Oh, Silly men. Do you not understand that I have a whole legion here of people who have HARNESSED the power of MAGMA? Yes Wembley, I know my stuff. We have made tools and weapons, that are hotter than anything else, able to cut through walls in an instant, change the world. What have you done with your life Sillymen? Hoard treasures in your room? We are helping the world. You are not." very clearly stated Mr. Red.
"Well if you'll kill me then just do it already! Get it over with! Do it now! Also kill all my friends while you're at it! C'mon you baddies! C'mon you reds!" pleaded Sillymen.
"Oh I won't kill you. I'll kidnap you and make you join my side. Now, we'll see how great you are without that backpack of yours." said Mr. Red.
"NO! DON'T TAKE ME AWAY! NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Sillymen.
Chapter 8!!!!!!!!
"But heavens me, what shall you do with us?" asked Plaistow.
"Oh, you all shall be let free." said Mr. Red.
"Huzzah!" exclaimed Wembley.
"Into my mines where you will work and get food and shelter like the rest of our comrades down here in the caves." explained Mr. Red.
"Unhuzzah for the ages." antiexclaimed Wembley.
"Wait, you said we would get food? Maybe add on some guns and this place isn't so bad! We can get a stew going!" hungrily said Gunnersbury.
"Yes you will all be compensated handsomely indeed, as long as you fulfill your accurate work quota you shall get all your needs and time off." stated Mr. Red.
"Well hot diggity my dog! Let's get to eating and shooting at the lava!" said Gunnersbury, his two main character traits firmly established.
"But sir, what will you do to the Professor?" asked Kensington.
"Oh, you'll meet him soon enough, I just have to do a little convincing." explained Mr. Red. "Now, off to the mines with you all!"
-------
"Wakey, wakey, lava roasted eggs and bakey!" sung Mr. Red.
"What? No, security guard, I don't want to be hanged from the museum gallow- wait what? Mr. Red?" asked Sillymen.
"Yes Mr. Sillymen, now let's take it all back. What were your parents like?"
"What are you doing? Why am I tied up in a half-chair half-bed?"
"Why this is a therapy session Mr. Sillymen, and there is no escape from your own mind."
"I don't need therapy! What I need is to stop you and save my crew before you, I don't know, scorch them or some type of cottonwanker."
"But how were your parents? They seemed rather interesting."
"I don't know! All I have on them is newspaper articles, word of mouth, a crusty old picture of the couple and the signed nappy the museum guards found me in! I mean really? The picture was enough to tell who I was, they didn't need to sign a used nappy, those scalamanders. I'd be able to show all of this to you if you didn't steal my backpack there!"
"You keep a used diaper in your backpack?"
"It's sentimental, innit? Besides, it's cloth! The guards cleaned it, fossilized it, sprayed forever chemicals on it and preserved it decades ago!"
"So you were too young for this to have any effect on you?"
"I was bloody 8 months old! The only thing I could care about then was milk, naps and my plush serpent! Who they have since preserved at the musuem."
"Now, why do you think the security guards took you in, I mean really, most of them were part-time and had no idea how to raise a child. Why would they decide to take in a baby who they knew had the blood to want to explore and wreck the very museum they sought to protect?"
"Why out of the kindness of their hearts, that's why."
"Sillymen, we have imported some newspapers down here for you to read, view this first one."
"Seems a bit random but aight. Here.... 'Young crazy adventurers give birth to even crazier baby.' Oh that's me on the cover innit! Oh don't I look so cute, eh? Wow... how'd I make it onto the news?"
"Your parents were famous, they'd discovered several treasures for that strange institution you work for, it's how they paid off their student loans early. You actually managed to help them on some expeditions, look at this."
"'Explorer baby finds ancient sundial in hidden crevice and comes back with only a loose nappy.' Dairn, guess I always had it in me. Well I know how the story goes from here, they went looking for the treasure in that tomb but then the tomb became their tomb."
"Yes, but what you don't know is the reason why the guards found you down there so quickly. You don't have to believe this but we did have it carbon-dated and it's real."
Mr. Red handed a third newspaper to Mr. Sillymen. This one had an image on the cover of what looked like a press-conference as some poofy-hatted museum operators in the background were holding up a baby in a signed nappy that looked completely clueless as to what's going on.
"'Famous British Museum buys out famous dead explorers' baby child for 5K pounds." Wait- they bought me? They didn't decide to raise me out of the kindness of their heart, they saw me screaming down there and took me in as a press ploy? For what, so the museum could have some cute ma-GASP!
I WAS THE EXHIBIT!"
Suddenly, memories came rushing back to British's mind, the posters all around the museum with his face on it, the thousands of tourists who would be watching him every day. How as a baby, they would stick him in the same nappy they found him in and put him on a stage for people to gawk at; he remembered the cameras, the dozens if not hundreds of cameras that were constantly on him-
"Wait, no, did they film a TV-" asked Sillymen.
Before he could finish his sentence, a CRT TV turned on across the room and started playing the familiar theme to a show he could never remember watching.
"Dah-dah dah!
Dah-dah dah!
Well, little baby boy British, he's a big kid now.
He can't sit on a stage he wants to hit the town! (Hit the town!)
Livin' in a museum
What could happen to him!
It's a real big world for little British!!!!!
(song ends)
It's the adventures of Young British McSillymen!
Starring!
Leogre Gucas as Dada!
Fordison Hair as Tippy!
Beobe Fridge as Dishy Mama!
and British McSillymen as himself!
Filmed live at the Britishonian Historical Museum
Come visit today!"
"No." said British. "No. It can't be. My whole life... all the people I held dear, the one's I got the closest to, were just actors in a TV show? My whole childhood was a syndicated TV show? Millions saw the moment where I accidentally broke the first stone tablet, or when I tried taking the first planes for a fly? How far back does this show even go? Were my first words in front of a camera, my first steps? How come nobody told me, ever? Not even once!"
"Well... they first got the idea of the show after the live broadcast of you taking your first steps reached 10 million viewers nationwide. 2 years later they had all the actors set and they got to work raising a 3 year old you in a kooky museum where any antics could happen! Those accidents you made that got you in trouble were actually purposefully set up to boost ratings! The episode where you tried to explore deep into the tomb your parents died in was the most watched program that whole month!" explained Mr. Red.
"Let me guess, after I grew out of living in the museum, they wanted to make more money off of my callywagger adventures in the real world, didn't they?"
"Well, the deal they made with the government when they adopted you was that they have the rights to do whatever they want with your image. Good thing we can't use computers to make exact digital clones of ourselves, or else they'd be trying to paste the younger version of you onto movies years after you were too old to make them!
"Movies? I suppose the best acting is one that is genuine. So that's why all the expeditions I got the grants to seemed so formulaic, they were movie plots. So then what's this? Is this another movie? Another setup? Why are you telling me this?"
"British, I was the one who paid for your grant to come here, they never would've accepted it otherwise. This has been your first real expedition you've ever had!"
"If you wanted to give me something real, why try to kill me and get me lost so many times?"
"My initial plan was to film your demise using the several security cameras I have around this entire mountain, then broadcast it to get the world to see how horrible they've treated you, but your team's resilience has made me think of a better plan. We broadcast this therapy session on TV to show the world the ramifications of enslaving you for their entertainment. The British Government sold you off, and allowed you to be exploited all your life. This government will crumble once the people see our broadcast and turn against the organization who trapped you. Then WE will take over with better laws, a government that would never inspire the kind of thinking that cursed your entire life.
What do you say, British. You in?"
"Wait, so you're filming this right now?"
"No, we'll film this exact same revelation later in a more well-lit room where I am wearing a cool outfit and a mask that changes my voice."
"How can I trust you? What if you're just another ploy?"
"Would a ploy build and rule an entire empire for centuries just to make for an exciting movie premise? No. You're all I have eyes for. This is real British, this right here is as real as it gets."
"I suppose they wouldn't reveal all of my past just like that, if they did there would be no more movies! Wait... what will you do with my friends?"
"Well in my government you all have equal worth, although I will appoint them as PR Pawns just like you, so that you can work with them and not be lonely."
"I suppose this doesn't sound all too bad...
deal."
British reaches out to shake Mr. Red's hand.
"You will not regret your choice, British McSillymen."
Mr. Red then disappears into the caves.
"Hey! What now! You guys just gonna leave me here or something? That's not very nice! C'mon guys! Some one come and get me!"
"BRING!" the PA system buzzes. "Attention comrades working here, British McSillymen and his friends who just arrived are now on our side and will soon join us in one week for PR training."
The sound of people cheering can be heard.
"Well I suppose that I'll just sit here then. Not much else I can do." said British, just sitting there.
Chapter 9!!!!!!!!!
"Why do these mines gotta be so hot? It's supposed to be cold in caves not as hot as the inside of an AK-47 right after a blast!" complained Gunnersbury.
"We're under an active volcano Gunnersbury, get a brain. Anyway, it's kinda dumb that they're making us mine for lava like, is that really how geothermal energy is made?" asked Kensington.
"Erm, actually geothermal power plants draw fluids from underground reservoirs to the surface to produce heated material. This steam or hot liquid then drives turbines that generate electricity before it is reinjected back into the reservoir." explained a miner who definitely wasn't copying something he'd found in a book.
"So all the lava we scoop up is just gonna flow back down here? That seems rather counterintuitive, we'll just be working down here our whole lives!" proclaimed Kensington.
"Yeah but we get fed well and the friendships you make down here will last a lifetime. Plus, it feel good knowing you're powering the entire country of Redlovia and the tools that make it such a prosperous nation." explained the miner, who's name is Jerry.
"Sounds to me like we're slaves down here! All the work and none of the rewards? When do we even get time off!"
"On Christmas, where we all sit by a fire and thank each other for a year of well-done work."
"One fire? There's like 789 of you!"
"We make do here and that's what's important! I didn't choose this life but I know I'm playing a part in helping every person in my nation which I hold so dear to me. "
"But you never get off work? Sounds like a bad life to me."
"You stupid Englishmen, always wanting to find a way out of work, you wouldn't know a good, ernest and well-meaning life full of struggles and triumphs even if it hit you in the face!"
"Well perhaps I'm just not used to your brainwashed communist brain."
"Brainwashed capitalism brain for you!"
"You couldn't even build a refrigerator if you wanted to!"
"What are you talking about? We're terrible at building refrigerators because there is no need to in cold, cold Redlovia!"
"That's what they'd like you to thi-"
"BRING! ATTENTION comrades working here! British McSillymen and his friends who just arrived are now on our side and will join us in one week for PR training." said the PA system.
"Oh well lucky you, you get a special job because you wouldn't quit complaining." said Jerry.
"Yeah, yeah, he gave us the job because us Englishmen are just better, you'll see." smugly stated Kensington.
--------
A day later, British was rummaging through his backpack in the cave sleeping quarters with his Redlovian housemate, Hugo.
"Did you know that I was on TV my whole childhood? I can't beleive my friends never once told me, what is with them?" asked Sillymen.
'Hugo don't know what you're talking about, only TV Hugo watches is WWE and NASCAR. Hugo loves NASCAR." admitted Hugo,
"You chaps have TV up here?"
"Yes, we all get free basic cable and it's more then enough to live a good life. Hugo watched finale to I Love Lucy three days ago. Hugo cry like baby."
"Well maybe, this literal communist hellhole isn't so bad! I did get fed pretty good but I thought that was just for me."
"Food in cave is just alright but it make do. Life in cave is just alright but it make do, the sense of community helps Hugo get through the day."
"I'm still not sure I could live like this, where's all the treasure and stakes? Guess I'll just have to get used to eating poor food in these bunkers. "
"Hugo still see no problem, we are all treated equally."
"But I want to be treated better and equally! There's gotta be a way to live a good and functional human life without being a slave? Right?"
"Hugo think you should be happy with what you have."
"Crumpingtons."
---------
"Ah, I'm glad you could all make it. Since all of you have grown up too whiney and free to commit yourself to work that will be of the betterment to our nation, I have gave you all a special role that will fill the craving in your heart to be special and rich. Now, I'll give you all some time to acclimate yourselves since British over here just learned some very shocking news that you all have neglected to tell him." explained Mr. Red.
"Professor!" Plaistow cried. "Oh how I've missed your face. What's this about a secret, I wonder? Why does your face look so mad Professor?"
"You FIDGERCRUMPETS! I WAS BEING VIEWED THE WHOLE BLOODY TIME AND NONE OF YOU STOPPED TO TELL ME?" exclaimed British.
"Now, Professor, we can explain-" stated Wembley.
"We were just big fans and played along because we'd always wanted to be a part of your movies which this... does not seem like one of them." explained Gunnersbury.
"You twats knew the whole bloody time? You too Kensington?"
Kensington solemnly shook her head yes.
"What about you Plaistow? I could trust you!"
"Why sir, there was no TV back in Swittensburg, I earnestly thought all of your expeditions were real my sire!"
"Bloody clottensdale, you people wanted to be in on the bit so bad you would lie to me to do so? What kind of people are you?"
"Well, when you star in one of your movies, suddenly everybody knows you, and they want to make brand deals with you, and put your name on beers(...)" reasoned Wembley.
"This is what it was all about?" asked British. "Money? You cludgerfadgers wanted money? I had to wait till the evil communist bad guy spelled it out for me to realize what was really going on? To hell with all of you!"
"British, we may have came by your side just for the money, but I think it's become clear that these are the highest stakes any of your adventures have ever had!" explained Kensington.
"Hassits! that cheese wheel fed a whole nation of starving children, innit!"
"What I'm trying to say is that we've formed bonds here, British! We won't make it out of this without all of us together!"
"I don't think I want to get out of this, life down here actually doesn't seem all too bad."
"You work in a dingy hot mine for 364 days of the year you twit! How could you ever think this is a nice job?"
"The people don't seem all too bad and at least I get fed."
"You are agreeing to being a slave."
"A slave for the country, Ms. Kensington! I work so everyone else in Redlovia and soon the world can live on the same terms as I."
"This doesn't sound like the British I know, he'd never fold into Communism this easily. That Mr. Red man must've hypnotized you he did!"
"All he did was expose me to a truth you all were too money-focused to admit. He's the only good person here."
"He's probably only using you to advance some plan to invade Britain!"
"He's using me as a pawn to save the world from itself!"
"Golly, you're beyond fixing now aren't you? Soon you'll be saying colored individuals deserve the same rights as us superior white individuals!"
"Well that hurt, I'm right here and have the power to kill you y'know." said Mr. Red who appears Indian, along with most the people in Redlovia.
"I used to think you were cool y'know, like you stood up for what was right, but now I just see that you are a twin-faced bullock."
"Now, let's not go throwing around naughties, British did just have his entire worldview shattered, it would make sense that he wouldn't immediately want to trust us again!" explained Plaistow.
"But British, don't immediately trust them just because they were nice to you! You should stay with us and one day, we'll gain back your trust." stated Kensington
"But British! Remember that these people only pretended to work with you for money and fame! They're not good people!" interjected Mr. Red.
"But we can improve! Please British!" begged Kensington.
"I- this is all too much for me, I need some time alone." explained British.
"British, no!" exclaimed Kensington.
British then ran off into the mines to sit by the lava in peace.
"Well that throws off my plans, uh, last one to console him is a rotten egg!" said Mr. Red.
"In England the expression is, last one to give him the cheers is a pattington of the wattington times, comparable to the 5th of November." came out of Plaistow's mouth.
"What?" said Wembley, who clearly has no taste and or culture.
"There's no time lads! We must get to him before Mr. Red gets him on his side for as long as the rot smell comes out of the gallows!" exclaimed Plaistow.
Then they all went out, looking for British.
---------
"Nothing was real, not even my chaps." monolouged British, looking into the lava. "I bet not even this lava is real."
British geared up to jump into the giant pit of lava flowing from the ceiling when his chaps stopped him.
"British!" yelled Plaistow, grabbing onto his legs.
"Why are you sissytown fools even here? You don't even really want me, no one did." remorsed British.
"C'mon British! There's an enemy to stop! Maybe if we all work together, we can get revenge on the country that did this to you!-ARGH!" pleaded Kensington.
British reached for Kensington's hand and shoved it into the lava, burning it clean off.
"Wait, what?" asked British.
"You! Twit and a half! Of course the lava is real! Idiot! Good god, is this what you needed to prove that this wasn't a movie?" exclaimed Kensington.
"Yeah... yeah, I guess so." admitted British. "So, you guys really do want to stick by me now?"
"We literally have no other choice." stated Kensington.
"Well let's prepare for a press conference!" exclaimed British.
Suddenly Mr. Red came in on his floating throne shooting fire out of the bottom. This is the one exception to Communism Mr. Red has, along with him getting the coolest air.
"Oh British, oh British, let down your hair! Look at this British, newest headline. 5 babies were adopted by the Petroleum Fields Corporation to be their spokeschildren! You get attached to them while they're cute and you trust them as they age into selling you a liquid that will end the world it will! We gotta stop this before they destroy the entire world! That's why we need to prepare for this press conference!" announced Mr. Red.
"How will Petroleum Fields Corporation end the world?"
--------
3 hours of explaining Climate Change later.
--------
"Well blush gaudy darnit! They must be stopped!" proclaimed Admiral Plaistow.
"Exactly, now we must practice what we will say for the press." said Mr. Red
Over the following week, the crew all sharpened their press talking abilities and paparazzi-dodging skills over an epic montage set to orchestral music.
"You all have come very far, and I am impressed with all of you, and how quickly you came to my side." stated Mr. Red
"There was nothing else we could do." stated Gunnersbury
"Now, sit down and prepare as our live press conference will begin, broadcasted simultaneously on TV and BRIT radio." explained Mr. Red.
---------
After a very long and arduous press conference full of screaming and yelling and a lot of sitting down, the crew were finally on the last question from the reporter.
"Mmmmmmmhmmmmmm so now that you're on the side of Mr. Red, what do you plan to do next British?"
"Well I will bloody support this man in everything he does since everyone else in the world betrayed me, including my own friends!"
"Thank you British." thanked Mr. Red. "I would like to use this as an opportunity to annonunce my grand plan to teach your people a lesson. The residents of London have until the end of this month to evacuate to Redlovia or else their precious Big Ben will be cut off the ground by a massive 1000 degree knife. Either get toppled by the aftermath of Big Ben or move to Redlovia or one of it's surrounding countries we are currently at war with."
"Wait, what?" asked British. "You never said you would do that!"
"Oh, British, don't you see this was the only thing that could be done? In order to teach them all a lesson, something has to be done besides a press conference! You were just a pawn and honestly, I sort of thought you already knew that."
"Wha- this, I can't bloody stand for this! Folks will be injured!"
"Not if they move to Redlovia."
"What if they can't!"
"We'll have lots of new job openings since we need to generate more power and food to keep alive so many incoming citizens. The country is self-expanding British! We'll never run out of power British! Isn't this great, British! I solved everything! I finally made a prefect communist utopia!"
"But ya gonna stab Big Ben to do it!"
"Morality is something that balances itself out, British. I am doing the right thing here."
"I can't bloody stand for this. C'mon guys, let's get out of here."
"There is no leaving Redlovia, British! Every cog must work in proper order less the whole SYSTEM is thrown out of order! We must thoroughly prepare for how each exiting and incoming citizen will balance our nation, no one in Redlovia just 'leaves.'"
"Well that's just wrong mate, because we're leaving this tuppington instant, we are!"
"No! Guards get him! Get that backpack he has, it seems to have everything in it, even moldy cloth diapers!"
British, Plaistow, Kensington, Gunnersbury and Wembley started bolting out of the room through the massive catacombs of the cave system they found themselves in.
"Not so fast!" called one of the guards.
Kensington just went up and kicked him in the face, sending him flying.
"Wait we're fighting these people? Oh someone give me a gun, I love guns!" joyously said Gunnersbury.
The group continued to run through the caves, passing large displays of lava seeping through massive cracks and tube systems, so many tube systems.
"How do we know we're running towards the right place?" asked Plaistow.
"Not sure" said British. "Oh look! A room full of aeroplanes! Too bad no one in our group can fly an aeroplane."
"Actually," said Plaistow. "I'm not just the Admiral of a ship," Plaistow ripped off his sailors hat he was wearing the whole time ot reveal a pilots hat. "I'm the admiral of a whole bloody tuppingsworth plane!"
"Well hop on in Plaistow! We need to escape!"
"But sir, where could we even exit!"
"I think I know a place." smugly said British McSillymen as he looked upwards towards the giant hole all the lava was pouring in through.
"No, sir, that's crazy talk! How would the plane survive!" begged Pilot Plaistow.
"Actually, guys, the plane says it's lava proof." pronunced Wembley.
"Come on, Plaistow! There's no time! The guards will find us any second now!" said British.
"Oh, alright. Wait a minute... there's only space for four people! One of us has to be left behind!" exclaimed Plaistow.
"Well, I think we all know who we want to-" began saying British. "Hell no! I'm getting in the plane right now." said Kensington.
"Well, guess we're leaving you behind Wembley." stated British.
"What? But you guys! I wanted to be a main character! I wanted to talk just as much as you guys! I wanted to show the world just how much of a character I can be!" exclaimed Wembley.
"Well, I suppose you must complete your arc as a character, by taking one for the team.
"Oh, alright."
"We'll miss you Wembley!" yelled Kensington as the jet engines began to power on.
As the jet began to move, guards started pulling in, about to attack!
"There better be a good ramp around here somewhere, Plaistow!" yelled British.
"Oy, there's one right there!" exclaimed Pilot Plaistow.
"Here goes nothing!" exclaimed one of them, it's pretty hard to hear.
The plane shot off directly into the lava stream. As the plane began flying upwards through the lava, tensions rose.
"Oy, it's getting hot in here!" yelled Gunnersbury.
"I think we're about to overheat!" yelled Kensington.
"Oy just hold on a minute!" yelled Plaistow.
It got hotter and hotter as they got higher and higher, it set in that they weren't even sure where this random hole even lead!
Suddenly right when all hope seemed lost.....
SPLOOSH!
The aircraft shot through the lava, right out of the volcano like water from a sprinkler!
As they soared toward the air, the team felt a type of satisfaction and euphoria that could only be felt by flying upwards through a volcano and making it out alive.
"We're alive! We're bloody alive! You did it Plaistow! We're saved!" exclaimed Gunnersbury.
"Mighty fine job, chap, you really stuck it to those wankers down in the mines!" proudly proclaimed British.
"You're a real hero." said Kensington.
"Oy, well thank you all, it was mainly British's idea but I'll take the praise." proudly said Plaistow.
"Get back on the controls Plaistow! I think we're falling!" exclaimed British.
Before they knew it, the crew was toppling down like a boulder down a dungeon, into the forest from whence they came.
When the plane finally stopped it's descent, they were greeted by a familiar sight.
"Oy! It's the jet that got us here! C'mon, we need to get back to London before Mr. Red destroys it all!" said British.
Chapter 10!!!!!!!!!!
"Mister Bennocular Biggolous!" exclaimed British.
"Oy, Mister Bennocular Biggolous was my father's name, call me Ben." said Ben.
"This clocktower you've sworn to protect and inherit is about to be sliced through by a 1000 degree hot knife!" explained Kensington.
"Oy, I saw the broadcast, I know. Say, you lot look familiar." questioned Ben.
"And you're just sitting here? Inside a about-to-be-destroyed clocktower?" asked Gunnersbury.
"Well there's nothing I can do now. Might as well sit pretty as the world ends." stated Ben.
"But we can help you! I have some magical backpack like thing and you know everything there is about this here tower! If we band together we could stop Redlovia completely!" begged British.
"Well I do know one last trick this old girl has in her." said Ben.
"When the ancient stars of the Ben System align, Big Ben gains the ability to slow down time itself. The structure was built as a way to harness the energy contained from the stars." explained Ben.
"Well I suppose that kind of makes sense." admitted Plaistow. "Are the stars of the Ben System currently aligning? Or is the Mercury in Retrograde?"
"No, no, I'm pretty sure just this once the Ben System is perfectly aligned." said Ben.
"Then do the thing! Slow down time!" begged British.
"Well first I'm going to need 1 thousand dollars. I take cash or credit."
"You know what, maybe we should let Redlovia destroy the city."
"Come on British! Where are your morals!" begged Kensington.
Kensington gives the man the one thousand dollars he desires.
"Oy-kay! Time to sl ow d o w- n t h e f a b r i c o
f
t
i
m
e
itself.
----------------------
"Sure is nice being in a tank that's weilding a thousand degree knife and also having the proven world's fastest reaction time." said some guy.
"Yup, sure indeed is." said another guy of equal importance.
Suddenly, KABLAM! British kicks his way into the machine and that guys face before he can even lift up his fist!
"C'mon every bloody! We must stop the machine somehow!" exclaimed British.
"But how? There are no buttons! It seems like the only way to stop the machine is to drive it into the ground or something!" stated Gunnersbury.
"Bloimey everyone! It's a small slot that leads into the engine! If we stick enough things through here, perhaps the engine will clog and we'll all be saved!" proclaimed Plaistow.
"We could put bills in there! But how will we shove enough bills in there?" asked Gunnersbury.
"We could steal the money of everyone in London! But that wouldn't be enough, would it?" questioned Kensington.
"I know! We get all the treasures from British's office and the museum he grew up in, and sell them to gather the funds immediately!" explained Plaistow.
"But, those are my treasures! All my life's value!" exclaimed British.
"I'm sorry British, it's what has to be done." solemnly said Kensington.
"Darn." darned British.
-----------
"WELCOME ONE! WELCOME ALL! TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE IN AN AUCTION ROOM! EVEN WHEN EVERYWHERE ELSE IT DOES! TODAY WE ARE AUCTIONING OFF ALL THIS GOLDEN AND HISTORICAL CRAP THAT WAS ONCE IN A BRITISH MUSEUM, MAYBE YO U CAN MAKE YOUR OWN MUSEUM! OR MAYBE YOU CAN JUST PUT THEM ALL IN A CLOSET! WHO KNOWS! LET'S GET IT ON!" yelled an auctioneer.
"Now we'll start the bidding for this ancient aztec dishy woman doll at 500 dollars do we have a 500 doll1000 dollars do we have a one thousand dollars going once going twice 2000 dollars no 5000 dollars do we have a five thousand dollars going 10,000 dollars going once going twice 50,000 dollars way too much money going once going twice going thrice 100,000 dollars going once going twice, going thrice and it's sold to the man in the corner who is about to be arrested for already being way too prepared for his new life with the doll.
Now, next up we have this strange Golden Cracker. The bidding starts at 300 dollars. 300 dollars going once? Going twice? Going at all? Oh, 301 dollars! Anyone for the Golden Cracker? No, ok it's yours."
---------------
"That was quite the auction, British! I'd say we're millionares by now! Sucks that we'll have to put it all into a machine where we'll never see it again." stated Plaistow.
"Yeah... what if we just let Big Ben fall down?" asked British.
"British, you can't be serious we just, hey!" yelled Kensington.
British tried to take his money and run but it turns out physical money is actually really heavy.
"Fine, I suppose after all I've done it would be pretty rude to be greedy now.
Let's do this."
So, very slowly they loaded in every dollar bill they had into the tiny slot in the machine, bill by bill. Right as the hot knife was about to strike and they were on their very last bills, the machine was so weighed down by all the money that the machine realized that with all this money, it was the richest object in the world! It didn't have to follow the orders of some guy! It then kicked Silly and the gang out of it and grew wings and flew off into the sunset, where it would spend the rest of it's days drinking cocktails on a beach in Hawaii without a care in the world.
"What in the bloody bloimey just happened?" asked British.
"What matters now is that we and London are saved!" exclaimed Plaistow.
"And broke." interjected a mysterious woman of high class, feeling confident enough to walk near the almost destroyed Big Ben.
"Mom? Ms. British? Heir of the Britishonian Museum and secret owner of all of Britain?" confoundingly said British.
"Indeed. What you did right there was very wise, yet incredibly stupid. You pickpocketed everyone in London, and then sold the very thing keeping our economy afloat only to fund some strange machine's retirement? What were you thinking!" asked Ms. British.
"We were trying to save London prevent it from crashing and burning!"
"Well you did a bad job, because now our ECONOMY will crash and burn. You idiot."
"Oh my god, all you people are concerned about is money this, money that, can't you see I saved your life?"
"Not from the starvation I'm about to face!"
"Oh screw this, if you chaps won't even thank me for saving your city, I'm going to Redlovia."
"YES YOU ALL ARE!"
"Who said that?" asked Gunnersbury.
"WHY YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS MY ONLY PLAN DIDN'T YOU? NO, I'M ESCORTING EVERYONE IN THIS POOR DESOLATE CITY TO THE PROSPEROUS NATION OF REDLOVIA! WHERE EVERYONE GETS EQUAL PAY!" announced Mr. Red from a plane in the sky.
Suddenly, dozens of tubes came down from the sky, sucking up everyone in London to take them to Redlovia.
"What? But... what? Just what in the what is... what is even happening?" brilliantly worded British.
"DO NOT FEAR BRITISH AND IMPATIENT FRIENDS! I'LL ALLOW YOU ALL TO STAY IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY WHICH YOU LOVE SO VERY MUCH! I'M SURE WITH NO GOVERNMENT, ECONOMOY OR PLAN, THINGS WILL BE JUST CANDY! BYE BYE NOW, I'LL MISS YOU MY BRITISH!" yelled Mr. Red as he flew away.
"So... we're all alone now? We're really the only ones in London?" asked British.
"I suppose so, sir." stated Plaistow.
"Well, to bloody hell with this city! They raised me just to care about money and greed, and even when I saved all their lives, they only cared about how I had to tank the bloody economy to do it? I've had a-blood-enough with Britiain! To hell with it!"
"What are you suggesting, British?" asked Plaistow.
"Today, we destroy the city, ransack the whole place and find all the materials we need. Tommorow, this city is no longer "London," this COUNTRY shall for now on be known as SILLYTOPIA!" proclaimed British.
"But sir, how will the economy work, what's the government going to look like?" asked Plaistow,
"Don't you bloody see how perfect this all is? It's jut the 4 of us! There is no government! We don't need an economy! We can just go loose and do whatever for the rest of our lives! Maybe we should set some ground rules but after that, we live together and die together! Doesn't that sound great?" questioned British.
"You know what, maybe British has a point." stated Plaistow. "After what we did I'm not sure if we'd be allowed into Redlovia! But here, we can just live as we are! C'mon chaps! Let's be free!"
"I could shoot my guns at whatever I want! Sounds great!" exclaimed Gunnersbury.
"What, so when we all die, there will be no one else here? I'm the only woman here and incest led to the royal throne which we hated, so how will we reproduce?" asked Kensington.
Suddenly a family drove into the deserted remains of London, and looked around to see that no one was there.
"Hey guys, hey guys, hey gouys, where'd everyone go? We just got back from vacation." asked the Dad
"Bloimey, you missed a lot. Um, everyone is dead and we're the only ones left, wanna join us in our new country?" asked British.
"Uh.... we'll just leave all our adopted children with you." that guy said before he kicked a bunch of newborn children out of the truck and drove away to Slough or somewhere.
"Ugh, I hate children." proclaimed Kensington, British and Plaistow agreeing.
"Oh but come on guys! They can be cute! One day... for five minutes...." begged Gunnersbury.
"Eh, doesn't sound good enough for me, we need to get rid of it." said Kensington.
"But, look at them! They can reproduce! There's like 8 of them! That's enough!" stated Gunnersbury.
"See? 8 babies, how will we take care of them? Seems like a ploy for a spinoff show or something." realized Kensington.
"But come on... look at them!"
"I say we get rid of 5 and then wait for someone else to come with some other children."
"Fine, fine. But if in a year, we don't see any positive benefits from having these children, I will perform a firing squad on you." admitted British.
"Geez, ok. I at least know that I'M gonna be a good parent, I'll have to teach y'all." stated Gunnersbury.
"Ok, ok, but from this moment on, THIS IS SILLYTOPIA!!!" exclaimed British!
"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed all of them.
And so the camera zooms out on the deserted city, truly emphasizing how small they are compared to the giant city that somehow still has power despite everyone leaving. Now, with all of this having happened, we can see that this truly was,
A Crusade of the Crackers.
The End.
EPILOUGE
But it's not quite over yet!
"You know, bloiks, I really don't understand why we're doing this!"
"British, we gotta give you closure! The tomb was the one place the museum would never let you visit!" explained Plaistow.
"But what if there was a reason! What if this kills all of us and the babies grow without parents? Only Gunnersbury! He loves guns! He's a terrible influence!" admitted British.
"There's only one way to find out!" stated Kensington.
They crept deeper into the tomb, past the air-conditioned hallways into the creepier, dingier, not safe for walking mozzerella sticks areas. The architecture became more jagged, the space beginning for the first time to feel real.
"GASP!" gasped British. "This is where I was left as a baby! That's the same fedora my paps placed me in all those years ago! I must've been a real loud baby for the guards to find me all the way in here."
"If your parents left you behind right here... then that means!" realized Plaistow.
Right next to the fedora is a giant chasm that his own parents failed to cross all those years ago.
"Here goes nothing!" exclaimed British.
British hooked a rope back onto a rock and begun to swing over.
"HYAAAAAAAHHHH-AHHHHHHH!!!! AH! HELP ME!" yelled British.
British went tumbling down into the inky black abyss below.
"No! British is dead! I knew we should have made a bridge!" stated Kensington.
But then... he bounced?
"HAAAAAa-EEY CHAPS, I THINK THERE'S A TRAMPOLiAAAAAAAAAHHH -INE DOWN HERE! C'MON, JUMP DOOWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHN!" yelled British.
Plaistow and Kensington had no other choice but to jump down, the trampoline rattling Plaistow's old bones.
"Is this... an entrance to a break room?" asked Plaistow.
"I-I don't get it, they told me my parents died in this pit!" stated British.
"Chaps, look!" exclaimed Plaistow.
"Gasp!" gasped Kensington. "It's your parents! But... tied up in a supply closet?"
"Does this mean... that the museum purposefully killed my parents? Just so they could get money off of me? Oh, it all makes sense now! Oh that damn museum, if they hadn't gone out of business directly because of me I'd burn down this whole museum!" explained British.
"So... was all the mysteriousness of this lost tomb artificially made so your parents would die here?" asked Plaistow.
"Gosh, everything in my bloody life has been artificial! I just want to go into a real tomb for once! A tomb that isn't specifically made for entertainment or to kill my parents! Just a random tomb, meant for hiding treasure!" stated British.
As he was saying this, he punched the wall to exaggerate his point. However, right when he did that, it opened up to reveal a secret passage.
"HOLY NUTCRACKER IN A NUTHOUSE! I DISCOVERED A SECRET PASSAGEWAY!" exclaimed British.
"Right you did, Bucko! Let's see what ancient treasure is inside." said Plaistow.
"Oh, golly! A real ancient tomb! I'm so excited! I can't contain myself, AAAAAH!" yelled British.
So the crew went wandering in to their first real adventure.
----------
After fully exploring and destroying every ounce of the museum, British set the Britishonian Historical Museum on fire, ending the cycle of greed.
Somehow the power still never went out in London, so living was nice and easy. They even made a farm at the top of Big Ben, it has the most sunlight.
The 3 kids the crew managed to keep alive eventually outlived infanthood and became children. During an expedition into the deep underground of the London Eye, the crew found a science experiment of a human kid raised in a test tube, who they then took under their wing.
The kids had to name themselves, them deciding on Amersham, Regents, Leyton and Zed. They grew up into fabulous and attractive adults who were able to support their own franchise in 10 subsequent films and spin-off books, outshining the legacy of the original British McSillymen outing, for which there was only one.
They all continued to live out their days peacefully in a London that was slowly caving in on itself, but that did not matter. They were happy, and died peacefully.
London was never rebuilt. Mr. Red eventually took over all of Europe and is now trying to cross the pond into the United States, where he will soon mess with a man named after a state.
And the world would never forget Mr. Sillymen, mainly because in that deserted London, Mr. Red continued to secretly film British and his children and broadcast it to all his comrades. He would be filmed till the day he died, but it didn't matter, because he had a life well lived; and that's enough.